A guy is driving around the back woods of upnort Wisconsin and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale' He rings the bell and Ole appears and tells him dat the dog is in da backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.
'You talk?' he asks.
'Yep,' the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'
The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'
'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down.. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.'
'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks Ole what he wants for the dog.
'Ten dollars,' Ole says.
'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?' 'Dat's because he's a liar. He never did any of dat stuff.'
Ole lay dying in his bedroom. He began to revive as he smelled the aroma of fresh lefse wafting through the house. Ole managed to gather is strength and crawled out to the kitchen. Just as he reached for a sample of Lena's lefse she slapped his hand and said,
"No Ole, don't you know dat's for da funeral" ------------------------------------ Two men debate whether Hawaii is pronounced: "HaVaii" or "HaWaii."
They ask a passerby, who answers "Havaii."
"Thank you," says the satisfied first man.
"You're velcome," replies da Norvegian. ---------------------------------
Two guys, Ole and Sven, are standing at the gates of heaven.
Trying to be friendly, Ole asks Sven, "So, how did you get here?"
Sven replies, "Hypothermia, how about you?"
"Well, "Ole said, "I vas sure my wife Lena vas cheating on me, so one day I came home early to catch her in da act. I searched da whole house, but dare vas no one dare. I felt so bad about da whole ting dat I had a massive heart attack." "Oh great, "said Sven, "If you vould've checked da freezer ve vould both be alive!"
Ole and Lars are two Norwegians working at the local sawmill. One day Ole slips and his arm gets caught and severed by the big bench saw. Lars quickly puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Ole to the local hospital. Next day, Lars goes to the hospital and asks after Ole. The nurse says, "Oh he's out in Rehab exercising". Lars couldn't believe it, but here's Ole out the back exercising his now reattached arm. The very next day he's back at work in the saw mill. Couple of days go by and then Ole slips and severs his leg on another bloody big saw thing. So Lars puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Ole off to hospital. Next day he calls in to see him and asks the nurse how he is. The nurse replies, "He's out in the Rehab again exercising." And sure enough, here's Ole out there doing some serious work on the treadmill. And Ole comes back to work. But, as usual, within a couple of days he has another accident and severs his head. Wearily Lars puts the head in a plastic bag and transports it and Ole to hospital. Next day he goes in and asks the nurse how Ole is. The nurse breaks down and cries and says, "He's dead."
Lars is shocked, but not surprised. "I suppose the saw finally did him in."
''No," says the nurse, "Some idiot put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated." --------------------------------------
Ole and Sven die in a snowmobiling accident, drunker than skunks, And go to Hell. The Devil observes that they are really enjoying themselves. He says to them 'Doesnt the heat and smoke bother you?' Ole replies, 'Vell, ya know, ve're from nordern Minnesooota, da land of snow an ice, an ve're yust happy fer a chance ta varm up a little bit, ya know.'
The devil decides that these two aren't miserable enough andturns up the heat even more. When he returns to the room of the two from Minnesota , the devil finds them in light jackets and hats, grilling Walleye and drinking beer. The devil is astonished and exclaims, 'Everyone down here is in misery, and you two seem to be enjoying yourselves?' Sven replies, 'Vell, ya know, ve don't git too much varm veather up dere at da Falls, so ve've yust got ta haff a fish fry vhen da veather's dis nice.'
The devil is absolutely furious. He can hardly see straight. Finally he comes up with the answer. The two guys love the heat because they have been cold all their lives. The devil decides to turn all the heat off in Hell. The next morning, the temperature is 60 below zero, icicles are hanging everywhere, and people are shivering so bad that they are unable to wail, moan or gnash their teeth. The devil smiles and heads for the room with Ole and Sven. He gets there and finds them back in their parkas, bomber hats, and mittens. They are jumping up and down, cheering, yelling and screaming like mad men.
The devil is dumbfounded, 'I don't understand, when I turn up the heat you're happy. Now its freezing cold and you're still happy. What is wrong with you two?'
They both look at the devil in surprise and say, 'Vell, don't ya know, if hell iss froze over, dat must mean da Vikings von da Super Bowl.'
Okay...I am NOT a youtube devotee at all. But a fellow showed this to me this morning and I have been shaking my head and laughing off and on all day. Nothing horrific in language but a couple of swear words just so you know.
Look up Honey Badger on youtube...the narration is...ummm...interesting!!!
"Make it your ambition to lead a quiet life, to mind your own business, and to work with your hands, just as we told you, so that your daily life may win the respect of outsiders and so that you will not be dependent on anybody."