Post by judithheath on Apr 17, 2008 6:05:10 GMT -8
Submitted by Annieoakley
Do we have a joke forum? If so please point it out to me. In the meantime:
1. A man comes into the ER and yells, 'My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!' I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly, I noticed that there were several cabs -- and I was in the wrong one.
Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio , TX.
2. At the beginning of my shift, I placed a stethoscope on an elderly >>> and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall ?'Big breaths,' I instructed. ?'Yes, they used to be,' replied the patient.
Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle , WA.
3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. ?Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a 'massive internal fart.'
Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg
4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications ?'Which one?' I asked. ?'The patch, the nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours, and now I'm running out of places to put it!' I had him quickly undress, and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk , VA.
5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, 'How long have you been bedridden?' After a look of complete confusion, she answered...'Why, not for about twenty years -- when my husband was alive.'
Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis , OR.
6. I was caring for a woman and asked, 'So, how's your breakfast this morning?' ?'It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste,' the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly, and the woman produced a foil packet labeled 'KY Jelly.'
Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit , MI.
7. A nurse was on duty in the emergency room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, 'Keep off the grass.' Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, 'Sorry, had to mow the lawn.'
Submitted by RN, no name
8 As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB, I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment, I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said, 'I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?' She replied, 'No doctor, but the song you were whistling was, 'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener..'
Doctor wouldn't submit his name (Can't blame him!)
John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called pullets', and ten roosters, whose job it was to fertilize the eggs. The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time, so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.
The farmer's favourite rooster was old Butch, a very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! John went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. But to Farmer John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The result:...The judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize, but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well. Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.
Vote carefully...the bells are not always audible!
Post by luvtoretire on May 8, 2008 19:42:32 GMT -8
This guy jumps out of the plane but his parachute wont open. As he is falling towards the ground at a fast pace, he sees another guy going up at the same rate of speed, so he yells at him"Do you know anything about parachutes?" The guy yells back"No,do you know anything about propane heaters?" :lmao:
Post by annieoakley on May 9, 2008 12:04:10 GMT -8
A keen country lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department store. It was one of those massive stores that has every department imaginable. In fact it was the biggest store in the world --- you could get anything there.
The boss asked him, "Have you ever been a salesman before?"
"Yes, I was a salesman in the country," said the lad.
The boss liked the cut of him and said, "You can start tomorrow, Friday morning, and I'll come and see you when we close up."
When the boss looked up the young man the next day at closing time, he saw him shaking hands with a beaming customer. After they parted, he walked over and asked, "Well, that looked good! How many sales did you make today?"
"That was the only one," said the young salesman.
"Only one!?!" blurted the boss. "Most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. You'll have to do better than that! Well, how much was the sale worth?"
"Two hundred twenty seven thousand, three hundred thirty four dollars and change," said the young man.
The boss paused for a moment, blinking a few times. "H... H... How did you manage that?!?"
"Well, when he came in this morning and I sold him small fish hook. Then, I sold him a medium hook, and then a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one, and then a big one. I then sold him a speargun, a wetsuit, scuba gear, nets, chum, coolers, and a keg of beer.
I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast. We decided he would probably need a new boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that twenty-foot schooner with the twin engines.
Then, he said that his Volkswagon probably wouldn't be able to pull it, so I took him to the car department and sold him the new Deluxe Cruiser, with a winch, storage rack, rustproofing, and a built-in refrigerator. Oh, and floor mats."
The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment, "You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fish hook?!"
"Oh no," answered the salesman. "He came in to buy a blanket."
"Yeah, an extra blanket for the couch. He just had a fight with his wife. I said to him, 'Well, your weekend's ruined, so you may as well go fishing'.... ..."
Post by annieoakley on May 10, 2008 18:34:00 GMT -8
When my son was around 4 years old, he went to the local drug store with me one afternoon. While in the check out he noticed a bald-headed man behind us in line. I had, as good moms do, been teaching him how to use good manners, especially when in public. I noticed the man the same time my son did and just prayed that he would remember what I had taught him.
Within seconds, at an unusually quiet moment in the store, my son proclaimed,
"Look mama, that man ain't got no hair!" The man was understanding, even thinking this was cute so he smiled at my son.
Next, without warning, my son shouted,
"And look, he ain't got no teeth either!!"
I couldn't get out of there fast enough. To make this even worse, while in the parking lot, the man walked over and spoke very kindly to my son. He reached into his pocket and pulled out his false teeth, and said,
"I do have my teeth, I just haven't brushed yet."
My son has never had a cavity and he is now twenty years old. I guess some lessons are learned in the oddest ways.
"Make it your ambition to lead a quiet life, to mind your own business, and to work with your hands, just as we told you, so that your daily life may win the respect of outsiders and so that you will not be dependent on anybody."